November 16th: If You Love Something, Let it Go

Tuesday dawned bright and cheerful. I remember that clearly, because the light streaming in through the crack in the curtains fell in a concentrated beam on my forehead. I grunted, turned over, and hugged the pillow, trying to turn off the alarm with my toes.

Someone flung open the door. "Guess who’s back?"

Her voice was the only one that got me moving. "Lily?" I got up quickly, running over to her and giving her a hug.

"Yeah, man, I’m here to pack. But I thought I could say hello. I was going to last night, but you’ve been dead asleep since before I got home."

I rubbed my eyes. "When did you get home?"

She grinned. "Four in the afternoon."

I groaned. "Shit, I think I’m dead. That’s what, fifteen hours I’ve been asleep?"

"Yeah," Lily said, nodding. "Sounds about right. If you get up now, April’s bestowing upon you the honor of driving me to detox. Which I’m not allowed to call detox anymore. Anyhow, she’s called your school and said your sister’s sick and you have to care for her." She paused, and some unrecognizable emotion flickered across her face. "Sick," she mumbled. "That’s what they call me now. I’m no sicker than him, though. No sicker than him..."

I touched her lightly on the shoulder. "Who?"

She shook her head quickly and smiled. "Nobody, Pete – Colin, I mean." She shook her head again, like if she vibrated it fast enough the thoughts would just fly out and go away. "Just nobody."

But I could hear plain as day. I sat down again, patting a spot on the bed beside me. Lily sat somewhat reluctantly, biting her lip.

"Peter Blackman and you go back further than Sunday, don’t you?" I guessed.

She nodded, her mouth drawn down at the corners. "Yeah.... We do."

We sat in silence for a moment, and then she gave me the saddest look I’ve ever seen. "I’ve known that Ashley girl a long time, too. That’s how Pete and I met, anyhow. Ashley. I pretended not to know her yesterday, and I guess she did the same for me... Or maybe she really didn’t remember me. But yeah, I’ve known Pete for years now. Since before I left."

She paused, took a shaky breath, and went on. "We met at a party. Big party. A hundred fifty kids, at least. My class and his. Pete’s a... Senior, this year, right?" I nodded. "So he would’ve been a sophomore. Sounds right. I was a class above him, and Ashley... Would’ve been a freshman. Anyway, Peter and Ashley and I were all at a party. Big party. Everyone was pairing off, ducking behind bushes and couches and everything else. I think there were a couple of people in the bathtub that caused a huge stir when some guy decided to take a leak in the tub." She grinned at me, but I didn’t smile back.

"So I paired off with this somewhat attractive sophomore kid, both of us were very drunk and very impaired and very horny, too, I guess. So this guy and I take a walk, around the neighborhood. I’d been to that house before, I think, it was one of my best friends’ houses – Jenna’s, I think, do you remember Jenna?– but suddenly I couldn’t find my way around. So Pete and I crawled up in some kids tree house and did some shit I’m not really proud of. And then he was disoriented, and we climbed down, and he told me to take him back to Jenna’s house."

A storm cloud passed over Lily’s face. "I told him I didn’t know. I was laughing; happy. I told him it’d be fine, we could sleep in the tree house." She paused. "I said that exactly. ‘We can sleep in the tree house, Pete, we can sleep there... Who cares about Jenna’s, let’s sleep in the tree house...’." She stopped again, and looked at me with sad eyes. A single tear raced down her cheek. "God, Colin, I don’t even remember after that. He was just a monster. He hit me into the street, I guess, because I remember lying there, looking up at him, and not understand what had happened. I thought I’d fallen, I think. I don’t know. I was so confused. I had no idea what to think. And then he shouted at me to be serious. He said his girlfriend was at Jenna’s, and if I didn’t get him back there he’d kill me." She sighed. "And I think he was serious, and I did then too, so I stumbled around. I guess I got lucky, just following the noise, because we did get there. His girlfriend, Ashley – they’ve been together for ages now –, was waiting for us. She was crying, all worried. And he told her to shut the fuck up. I’ll never forget that. She just took it. That’s what I’ll never forget, really. If it had been me, I would’ve thrown a fit. But she just walked off like a puppy with its tail between its legs and melted into this crowd of people. And then Pete turned to me, and said the strangest thing – ‘That’s my girl. You ever see any guy near her but me, you tell me. I’ll kill him.’ And I laughed. I don’t know why I laughed. I believed him, I did... But..."

She stopped talking, and looked me straight in the eye. "You’ve heard my story, Col, but... April says that Ardith ran down the stairs yesterday, crying. Said she saw you kiss Ashley. Did you?"
I turned away. "Lil..."

"Colin!" she cried. "Colin, please... How could you do that? You know what he does to her!"

I turned to look at her. "Do you want a ride to detox?"

She sighed. "Colin..."

I stood up, pulling on a pair of pants over my boxers. "Do you want a ride or not?"

"Fine," she said, sighing deeply. "But Colin, I love you. Remember that. Please."

I pulled on my shoes and opened the door to my room. "Let’s go."


The drive took place in silence. The radio was off, neither of us said anything, and even the road beneath our tires was inaudible. Mom had written a sheet out with directions, so there was no need for discussion, really. But it was lonely. It seemed like there was suddenly a colossal space between Lily and me.

We drove up in front of the Coleman Center at eight fifty six. Lily gave me a sad, wide-eyed look. "Help me get my stuff?"

I nodded, biting my lip, and jumped out of the car.

While digging her things out of the trunk, I took a good look at the place. It was nice looking. It was in the middle of a somewhat woodsy area, lots of trees, leaves blanketing the ground everywhere you stepped. The building itself was a big, wooden, lodge-type structure, with a sprawling wrap-around porch. It looked welcoming, friendly, like the place my sister needed to be. And still I didn’t want to leave her. It felt so much like abandoning her, to put her in this place, a half-hour drive from home. I wondered again why my family wasn’t good enough. I wondered again if we would ever be good enough.

Lily slammed the trunk and picked up a suitcase. I hefted the other two, my arms straining with the weight, and walked painstakingly up the steps. Lily held the door open for me. "You’re the pregnant one," I muttered through gritted teeth as I walked past. It was an attempt at humor, but it ended up sounding wrong, like an accusation instead of a lighthearted remark.

The lobby – at least that’s what I assumed this gaping, bright room to be – was empty. There were couches along the walls, and I saw the yellow corner of a bag of potato chips stuck between the cushions of the nearest one. A potted plant sat in one corner. There were windows all along the back wall, and light came streaming in. I peered through one as best I could without walking across the room. The view was beautiful – huge, yawning mountains and trees as far as the eye could see.

Lily was shaking, gripping my hand. I was just about to shout for someone when a girl came running from one of the doors to our right, dark brown hair held back in a haphazard ponytail, khaki pants bagging around her legs. "Oh!" she said, noticing us. She walked over, smiling. "I was just about to go ask Ned if he’d seen you." She stuck out a hand. "Kitty. I’m in charge of group therapy." I took her hand and shook it. She smiled at me, then turned to Lily. "And you must be the new girl. Don’t worry, everyone’s new around here. They all started yesterday afternoon. But that’s okay, this lasts a month, and I’m sure by Wednesday you’ll be all caught up." Lily gave her a weak smile and took her hand.

"So," Kitty said, bending over to pick up a bag, "mind if I check?"

Lily shook her head, and the woman hefted the suitcase to a couch and sifted through it. She appeared satisfied, smiling and humming to herself, but she started pulling out all the clothes. Lily looked perturbed, and shot me a horrified glance.

Kitty turned around and smiled reassuringly. "Sorry, I didn’t explain. We check to make sure there’s nothing in the lining, too. No point in doing this if you’re sneaking the whole time." Lily and I nodded and smiled, though I was still on edge and Lily was still trembling, and Kitty turned back to her work.

When she had checked all three suitcases and seemed satisfied, she turned around again. I took a good look at her for the first time. She was pretty enough, I imagine. She had dark hair, and big green eyes, and her skin was well-tanned. She was wearing a tight green polo shirt and baggy khakis, as well as a brown stone necklace. From her ears dangled tiny golden stars, a dozen or so on each string, that made a tinkling sound when she moved her head. Just like the building, she looked safe and normal. But I still wasn’t at ease. Once again, I wondered why this peppy Kitty was better for Lily than my family had been. I stared at her for a long time, trying to find it. And yet it wasn’t there to see.

"Okay then, Lily – it is Lily, right?" My sister nodded. "Let’s go, then. We have grouped and therapeutic things to attend to. Your mother faxed us all your forms... So we’re good to go." Kitty turned to me again, and gave me a warm smile. "She’s not allowed to call anyone, but she can write letters, so I’m sure you’ll be hearing from her soon. Have a safe drive."

They both turned and walked away, Kitty’s arm over Lily’s shoulders. I turned to leave, but paused for a minute with my forehead pressed against the door, loathing the warm, acidic tears running like a rainstorm down my face.